Picking Apart Picky Eating

Kid's come with a natural bias to eat so where does picky eating come from?

Why is my child resistant to trying new foods? Why do they eat a particular food one day only to refuse it the next? How do I get them to eat in a healthy way? These are just some of the top questions parents ask of doctors, feeding specialists, and community nurses with the hope of finding answers.

Eating seems anything but simple today as we worry over what kind of food we are serving our kids—good, bad, clean, or processed— along with concerns over their body image and size. Picky eating in kids is provocative because parents see themselves as a child’s key provider.

It seems we have never known so much about food, but at the same time, wonder what to feed our loved ones or how to get them to eat it.

The word ‘neophobia’ is used in some circles to refer to picky eating, implying that there is something pathological underfoot. What if we viewed ‘picky eating’ as part of human development? What if resistance to eating was viewed through a relational lens? What would we see if we didn’t perceive it as a problem and could identify when it really was one? It would lead us to ask different questions and to head down an alternate path. It would help us search for foundational insights instead of quick fixes for getting kids to eat and behave at the table. It would turn our attention towards considering how kids become eaters in the first place.

SERVING HUMAN CONNECTION

Part of the reason we view picky eating as pathological is that we have lost a relational and developmental perspective on feeding others, in turn due to collective loss of culture. Eating practices that were once passed on to us through ancestral knowledge and experience have since vanished. Today most approaches to childhood eating are either medical and nutrition based or behavioural in nature. From these perspectives, picky eating becomes orphaned and we can’t truly make sense of it without the keys to understanding how human beings unfold as eaters.

One challenge is how our feeding and eating practices in the home have been guided by behavioural models that converge on outcomes and measurement. We focus on whether a child ate enough, but how do we know what enough is? In a behavioural/learning approach the focus is on whether the child measures up to our expectations for eating instead of helping them understand their body. Forcing kids to eat overrides their satiation response and doesn’t allow them to play or explore food naturally. Their bodies are designed to tell them when they are full and what they enjoy, but behavioural approaches override these signals.

Ideally, we shouldn’t have to push, cajole, or force a child to eat.

Labelling a child as a picky eater is shaming and conveys that there is something wrong with them. What we fail to realize is that eating issues can create relational ones, just as relational ones can create eating issues. Additionally, people are quick to judge parents on food choices for their kids. It seems everyone has an opinion about how all kids should be fed—even if they are not yours. Parental shaming over lunch box contents is common, albeit silent. Among the confusion, shaming, and frustration surrounding how we feed our loved ones, there is one question we haven’t asked. How do we make our kids receptive to our acts of caretaking? This question puts relationship and development at the forefront of the eating agenda. It helps us focus on what is missing from medical and behavioural/learning approaches. It helps to steer us away from simply questioning what food to serve and points us towards how food serves human connection.

PAIRING & CONNECTION

There are three keys when it comes to pairing the two greatest hungers we have: food with relationship.

1. Relationship between Feeder and Eater

Eating is a vulnerable act. When we feed someone we are asking them to trust in what we have provided and to take substances into their body. How does our attachment to the person who is feeding us shape our eating experience? Eating from someone’s hands requires dependency.

If we want our kids to be receptive to what we have to offer, then we need to work on our relationships with them. When kids rely on us in a vulnerable way they are more likely to open their mouths and their minds to new tastes and experiences. Safety doesn’t come from having food placed before you; rather, it’s a by-product of caring relationships. When you feel emotionally connected to the people who provide for you, then there is receptivity to their caretaking.

2. The Emotional Context

The context in which we eat is laden with emotion. Is comfort attached to the food that is served, or is there discomfort? Food should be enjoyable, but it can’t be when served in contexts that lack emotional safety. Our stomachs can’t digest food properly when we are emotionally stirred up by feelings of alarm, frustration, or sadness. We can’t digest unless there is emotional rest, and this rest comes from feeling attached to others.

The thing we routinely miss is that while we may eat together at a table, we may not feel connected to one another. Sometimes coming together to eat is the problem rather than the cure. The benefit of the family meal has less to do with the food we serve than with the relationship you have with the people serving you and how you feel about them.

It’s now common knowledge that the gut has a mind of its own.

The biological self cannot be disconnected from the emotional or relational sides of the self. Instead of viewing eating as simply a physical act, we need to consider how it is tied to the psychological—we need to lay the table with more than just food. We need to serve our loved ones in a context conducive to safe, caring relationships.

3. The Power of Attachment

Continually exposing people to new foods is considered one of the main ways to help them try new things. What hasn’t been taken into account is the power of attachment to help someone venture out of their comfort zone. When relational instincts are activated around food, it increases the likelihood of wanting to eat like others and enjoy the same foods. Coercing someone to try new foods only backfires and can create distrust or wounding in the relationship.

If you feed kids off their own individualised menu, you may find they protest and demand to eat the same as their loved ones. This is the power of attachment to influence eating patterns. If you feed kids at different times from other family members then they can’t benefit from the relational pull towards experiencing new foods.

When it feels safe to play with food and try it without pressure, then we are piggybacking on natural relational instincts to support their unfolding as an eater. In short, kids want to eat like the people to whom they’re attached.

The answers we seek in feeding our loved ones—from "picky" eating to healthy food choices to helping our kids become competent eaters—have been under our noses the whole time. It’s not as simple as just eating together; we must gather first and then eat. It’s not just what we feed our children but how, and most importantly, the relationship we cultivate with the hands who care for them.

Deborah MacNamara, PhD, is a developmental counsellor, on Faculty at the Neufeld Institute and is the author of Nourished: Connection, Food, and Caring for our Kids (and everyone else we love). For more information please see www.deborahmacnamara.com